The Phantom Mullet

Reasons Ronald McDonald Could be the Anti-Christ

1. The unholy alliance with Grimace and the Cheese Burglar
2. His mass extermination camps for chickens and cows
3. His continued efforts to plumpen our offspring
4. Two words : Chicken McNuggets
5. In an interview, when asked about the poor little children assembling his nazi propagandist toys for children, he responded “I’m lovin’ it.”
6. His constant attempts to “supersize” my lunch. Pure Evil
7. Breakfast: “Would you like a colostomy bag with that?”
8. His houses of torture and debauchery are on every major street corner
9. His domination of the world economy
10. “Woud you like fries with that?”

Piracy, maybe not the issue……

It’s funny how the music industry keeps thinking that piracy is bringing the music industry down. You know, all of those people stealing the music. The album sales have dropped dramatically since I think 2001. Maybe it is not piracy that is the problem, but the fact that since 2001, new music has really sucked. Seriously, Brittany Spears, the Black Eyed Peas, 50-Cent, it has really just been crapptastic. What happened to the Weezer’s, the Nirvana’s, the Beatles of this time period. Where did all of the talent go? The problem is the music exec’s are looking for good looking people they can market, not talented musicians to write music to entertain a generation. Not only did video kill the radio star, it also killed the career of many talented musicians. It sucks, good bye Led Zepplin, hello Hannah Montana…….

TV Writers, Please Come Back

The writers strike is slowly bringing this country closer to the prophesy that was presented by the move Idiocracy. Instead of smart, witty comedies, and drama’s that make you think and examine yourself, we are being inundated crappy, mind numbing Reality TV. You think that is bad? It is about to get a whole lot worse. Two words. American Gladiator. Yep, TV producers had drudged up some worst TV programming known to man, and re-packaged it for today’s audience. Wow, TV needs those writers back. I keep thinking this is maybe a union breaking ploy, meant to break the union and bring them back to accept a low ball offer, but no, I think “TV Land” is serious. American Gladiator is “pro-wrestling” for people too dumb to follow the plot. It is everything wrong with america. The thing that worries me, is that I know this “show” is going to get good ratings and do well. People wonder how I live without any form of broadcast TV, here is example 1A. Next you are going to tell me the Spice Girls are getting back together and going on tour…….

Clowns, Not Safe For Kids

A story just came out that children actually don’t like clowns, and find them scary. Really children don’t find clowns funny? I wonder when clowns had their “Pauley Shore” moment, you know the moment you realize that nobody thinks you are funny, and really think you are kinda creepy. Clowns time has came and gone. I think its time to send clowns to the comedy grave yard with mimes, Kathy Griffin, Andy Dick, Roseanne Barr, and any movie that Steve Martin is in.

I Can Hold It…..

Has anyone had to use a Hi-way restroom lately? You know, the kind that are state sponsored that are direct exits of the Hi-way? They have been ruined by the stigma attached to them by movies like “There is Something about Mary”. They are considered to be homosexual havens, the Los Vegas of bathrooms. Where men gather together for anonymous sex. Since most people think that, or at least have been told that, it is funny to observe the behavior of men at these places. Most straight males are so scared of any kind of “homo suspicion” they act ridiculous, almost to the point they become suspicious themselves. First most people avoid those places like the plague, they only go if they, you know, have to go, really bad. So here you are entering a place with a “homo” stigma, and you are dancing and prancing, mind you it is the universal “Pee Pee Dance”. Then everyone makes sure to make absolutely ZERO eye contact. I mean any stray glance could mean you are up for some “Meat Hole Sailing”. The place has more homosexual tension than a Clay Aiken concert.

I Got Jobbed by Steve

A couple of months ago when the iPhone owners got screwed by the sudden price drop, I should have taken notice. They made announced the price drop then same time as they announced the Ipod Touch. I fell in love with the Ipod Touch, and bought one. It is great, I love it. Then came Mac World…… Apple announces that they are going put five new apps (mail, maps, stocks, weather and notes) on Ipod Touches, I say “Finally! I have been waiting for this!” Then, he says it. “On all NEW Ipod Touches……” What the {Insert expletive of choice here}. Are you kidding me? I have to PAY to get the upgrade? The $299 I already paid wasn’t good enough? Apple is taking a dangerous stance. Right now I am coming up with a new rule. “Never buy an Apple product until there are TWO major announcements.” If you do not wait, they will drop the price or add features you want and make you pay extra for them. I wouldn’t be so upset if everyone had to pay $20, but since the new owners don’t have to pay, it makes feel used, dirty, laying naked on the floor in the bathroom, saying “I’ll never do this again.”

Things could be worse, I could be stuck using Vista with a Zune………

Rejected Apple Products

The Mac World Expo starts soon, which means that Steve Jobs usually announces some new revolutionary product, like last years announcement of the iPhone. Here at the Phantom Mullet, we got a hold of some the rejected product ideas.

MC Hammer, Can I Touch This?

MC Hammer is starting a “you tube” like site, just for dancers to post to. I makes me wonder if I can touch this. Well, if Hammer thinks this is a good idea, maybe there are some other people that should do video sites dedicated to a particular subject matter as well. If Hammer can do it, anyone can. Here are some possibilities…..

1. Barry Bonds – A bunch of videos of pimply backs, big heads and asterisks. If you add the neck beards and orange Cheeto’s fingers it could also be a site for World of Warcraft fans.
2. Brittney Spears – all videos of white trash bags….
3. Micheal Jackson – all little kids, all the time
4. Lindsey Lohan – toilets flushing. “Hey, wait my career was in there!”
5. Tom Cruise – Jumping on couches
6. Hillary Rodam-Clinton – She-male robots.
7. John Travolta – Hangers, shoes and any other items one would find in a closet.
8. Bob Saget – America’s un-Funniest Home Video’s
9. Rosie O’Donnell – Video’s of donkey’s and jackasses.
10. Kentucky Residents – anything about the new marvel, indoor plumbing.

Well, maybe Hammer doesn’t have a very good idea after all……

Warning Joke may Be Corny

Q: What do you call someone who sleeps through one of Hillary Clinton’s speeches?

7 Habits of a Highly Ineffective Hotel Heiress

Here are 7 habits every Hotel Heiress should read. If any of these habits are true in any way, it is time for an Opera intervention. On to the habits.